dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Dicks are not precious.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
