I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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