Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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