he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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