she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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