i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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