I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
