allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
