did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
