We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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