the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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