Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
