Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
