You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
