Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
