I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
