No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize