We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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