dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
