She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
