i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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