my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
