Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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