I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
