I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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