Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
