oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize