I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
