Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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