My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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