Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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