He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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