as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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