I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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