my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
