I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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