they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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