dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
