I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
