phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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