you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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