i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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