I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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