Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
