Betty ford says i'm here all night
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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