Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
