You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize