I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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