I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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