Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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