..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize