we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
