new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
