When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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