Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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