I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
