My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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