just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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